Abandon the quarrel before it starts

“The beginning of strife is like letting out water, So abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.” Proverbs 17:14

Have you ever waded into the breached dam of contention? Before you know it, you find yourself swept away in a torrent of hurt feelings and strife. Family members or friends dear to your heart seem like bitter enemies after such an encounter. Your soul stings with every thought of them; the pain demands resolution, but fear of stepping back into the flood waters of angry words and dredged up past transgressions freezes you into inactivity.

Perhaps you’ve never experienced this. Perhaps you navigate relationships with grace, thoughtfulness, and dignity, confronting every disagreement with wisdom, kindness, and fairness, humbly taking into consideration your own weaknesses as well, bringing every potential conflict to a quick, peaceful, and loving resolution.

I WISH I could say this about myself. I cannot. You see, I have found myself in the tango of turmoil more than once, even after swearing to myself “NEVER AGAIN” and committing to wise and peaceful discussions—or deflections—whichever seems to suit my fellow “disagreer”.

How, how, how, I asked myself recently, do I train myself to abandon the quarrel before it busts down the dam?

Well, the Lord came through for me (yay, God!) with some instruction as I was seeking Him about this. Instruction is good; doing it is better.

Unfortunately, living in this fallen world, I will have ample opportunity to practice. Not sure I’ll be always be proficient; but as a child of the King, He will help me every time I fall to get back up again. It is my fervent desire to grow in this and to put into practice what He has shown me.

Here’s the Scripture the Lord dropped on me as I prayed. First Corinthians 10:13 is a lengthy verse, but it’s enormously helpful. It says

“No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.”

Standing on the edge of an ill-advised quarrel is definitely a temptation. Your pulse quickens as you think of defending of your honor and exposing how very wrong the other person is. However, throwing yourself into the quarrel sucks you right up the vacuum cleaner—trapping you and your “sparring partner” with all of the other dirt!

As I prayed about this verse, God plopped a four-point flow chart down on the inside of me revealing how to deal with the beginning of strife, any time, any place. As an acronym, the first letters of the words He gave me spells the word “ALTAR”—the very spot you must place yourself at the onset of strife—that is, if you want to invite God’s intervention.

1. ALERT! The Lord showed me that with my most recent quarrel, I had let down my guard. The quarrel had started before I even knew what was happening—and soon enough, I was in the thick of things and neither of us were benefitted. Had I been on the alert, I would have recognized the flashing warning signals…and I would have abandoned the quarrel before it started! It is because we live in a fallen, troubled world that we must be diligent to maintain vigilant, prayerful alertness for the signs of impending “tit-for-tat” verbal “slap fights” (which sometimes manifest as “helpful insights” into the other person’s secret motives or varied dysfunctions) before we get swept up in the flood of contention and hurt.
2. LOOK to the Lord. Once you realize that you and your friend are cruisin’ for a contention bruisin’, immediately force your attention to the One who loves both of you. Look to the Lord for help; don’t look to your mental database for a quick list of past transgressions they’ve committed against you. If you will take charge right then—right when the strife starts—and quietly invite the Lord into the conversation, I believe God will arrive on the scene to intervene.
3. TRUST Him. He has answers, solutions, and a way of escape. As you are busy trusting Him, your mind won’t be hashing and rehashing your best comeback to their points against you. Trusting Him to do what He does best—being God—will open the door for Him to step into the middle of your situation.
4. AND (Don’t leave this next part out!)
5. RECEIVE the way of escape. As soon as you are alert to the onset of strife, look to God and trust Him to open up your escape route…and He will. Your next step? Abandon the quarrel, receive the way of escape He’ll provide—and take it…all the while resisting the urge to land one last jab.

I realize this set of steps—ALTAR—seems simplistic. However, the weeks, months, and years of hurt and blame that emerge from the crippling incapacitation of verbal slap fights consisting of dominance-jockeying, recitation of past transgressions, labeling/name-calling, and harsh judgments destroy relationships and send many lives down bitter dead-end paths of sullen despair, callous resentment, or defeated hopelessness.

By no means does Scripture teach that confrontation is always harmful; the Bible calls us to go to the brother who has offended and speak to him about it. It also urges us to go to the people we hurt and apologize. We are even called to bring a word of correction to one who has strayed. However, never are we commanded to jockey for dominance, recite old laundry-lists of transgressions, brand each other with demeaning labels, or hit one another with harsh judgments.

May God help all of us as we navigate the ups and downs of every relationship in our lives.

Dorothy

If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.  Romans 12:1